If Trump Restores the Draft and Satmar Heads Over to Fight Iran – A Humorous Skit

Authored by: העורך Editor

A one-act play, somewhere in Kharg, 5787

Reb Meilech:

US Army, 82nd Airborne. Satmar. Drenched woolen tzitzis under flak jacket.

Rav Yonatan:

IDF liaison, embedded. Dati Leumi. IDF Temple Patch.

Current news: Congress reinstated the mandatory draft!

 

A concrete foxhole. Distant explosions.

Yonatan: Shalom, I am here for defend the Jews from missiles. And the mikdash. What are you here for?

Meilech: An apikores! You mean using goyish weapons to defend the kofrim in the medinah hatemei’ah so they can carry on being מתגרה באומות?! I’m here to defend the Jews — and maybe goyim — of the United States of America, mamesh a democratic malchus shel chessed. Where Hashem wants us to be until He brings us back to Har Hakodesh with Moshiach and Eliyahu.

Yonatan: But… Hashem did bring us back. He did that! And dina demalchuta dina, no?

Meilech: No! That was Maaseh Satan! The Heilege Rebbe zt”l (pointing to his helmet band) forbade fighting for Jewish lives in Eretz Hakodesh. We say Tehillim that their lives are somehow spared and the regime changes — perhaps a peaceful Muslim government — with no Jewish bloodshed.

Yonatan: stunned You fighting for America’s “Middle-East interests”, yallah, that means the State of Israel doesn’t disappear. Indirectly, you doing what I am doing, except without the intention. But I am here in a milchemes…

Meilech: Gevald, Yishuv Eretz Yisroel is not a mitzva for the community bezman hazeh! Don’t you even know about the “gezeiras hagiyus” going on over there?!

— a mortar lands 40 metres away. Neither Jew looks up —

Yonatan: So… Iran taking over Israel, this is fine for you?! Jews living under non-Jewish rule again, including the Satmarim?

Meilech: It would at least not be the chillul Hashem of a supposedly-Jewish army of shmad violating kashrus and…!

Yonatan: But why are you shooting to stop Iran from “changing Israel’s government”? Not to mention suspending your own heimish kashrut (OU?). If that’s the desired outcome, why are you here?

Meilech: Because I am mamesh an American! And I obey commands. President Mamdani, I mean Tucker, no no, I mean Trump said go, we go! Hakoras hatov! And obviously, Dina demalchusa dina.

Yonatan: I think Iran already has forced “giyus” also for Jews, and logically, if they take over Eretz… wait a second, just like the Americans! My whole family ran to kravi (I mean combat). You go into army for hakarat hatov, or is it a “gezeirah”?

Meilech: No, just a law, why are you calling it a gezeireh? Our shtadlan takeh failed to get me off, shockingly. feeling weird Look at my draft notice…

Yonatan: OK, so you fight war for a goy to protect a Jewish state you say should not exist (as illustrated by גזירת הגיוס), against a regime change you support, while your chaverim say Tehillim that the reshai’m you’re shooting at with “nochri” weapons somehow succeed anyway… but only without Jewish casualties? Right? אני שואל באמת.

Meilech: silence You’re twisting my words. raising voice Victory wouldn’t be a chillul Hashem since the nissim would lead to an American victory, nothing to do with Tziyonim at all! Alternatively, עתידה רומי שתפול ביד פרס. Ah, that’s probably after Moshiach comes.

Yonatan: deadpan Sorry, my English not so good. Maybe you explain to me again?

— Sergeant Beaumont crashes into the foxhole. “We got INCOMING”. Both ignore him entirely —

Meilech: Nebach. Does your wife even cover her head?

Yonatan: Yes, betach. My wife, she covers. No wig, chalila.

Meilech: What’s wrong with a partial sheitel?! Feh, I’ll bet the vahb (I mean woman) doesn’t even shave off her hair.

(Credit: with AI)

NB for new readers: The draft is evil, especially for Jews. And Meilech should make Aliyah.

Strictly Humor: Why Do People Keep Trying to Assassinate Caesar?!

Authored by: העורך Editor

Excerpts from a recent gem on McSweeney’s:

I’m confused, maybe someone can help me. This is like the third assassination attempt on Julius Caesar, but things are going great in Rome. The value of silver is strong, the liberti/bad homines immigration is under control, and we’ve bounced back from the bubonic pandemic.

I heard one person say it’s because he’s trying to seize power from the Senate and become an all-powerful dictator, but like, just because he refused to concede power when his term as governor ended and then sent his military across the Rubicon, essentially doing an insurrection on Rome, doesn’t indicate any of that. If that were the case, wouldn’t the Senate say something? Haven’t heard anything from Brutus or Cassius yet, so that’s a non-starter.

Some are also pointing to the preemptive strike on Carthage and how it doesn’t seem to have clearly defined objectives or a coherent exit strategy, and could potentially ignite Punic War III. But taking out an adversary’s enriched trebuchet program and stockpile of intercontinental ballista munitions is imperative to the safety of the entire world, so even though Caesar seems to be making it up as he goes along as an excuse to blow stuff up, we should still just trust our Commander in Chief. He wouldn’t lie to us, even though he constantly lies to us.

Sure, one could also make the economic argument. Inflation is devaluing silver, he’s gutting finance to healers and apothecaries, his corrupt policies only help his aristocrat friends, his tariffs on the Silk Road are backfiring and pushing the expenses down to local agora merchants and traders, and his corruption is creating extreme poverty among the lower and middle castes as well as low global confidence in our Republic, but that’s just how this stuff works. We should trust him on economic issues; he’s a businessman…

Read the rest here…

Disclaimer: 

Hyehudi.org does not condone harm toward any holder of the purple ש”ט. Any tales of violence Roman or Republic serve strictly for illustrative effect.

Stop Using ‘Looters Will Just Take It’ as an Excuse Not To Stockpile Discreetly

Authored by: העורך Editor

Your Supplies Probably Won’t Be Stolen in a Disaster

April 22nd, 2026

When I write about things like storing food or medication in case of disaster, one common response I get is that it doesn’t matter: society will break down, and people who are stronger than you will take your stuff. This seemed plausible at first, but it’s actually way off.

Looking at past disasters, people mostly fall somewhere on a “kind and supportive” to “keep to themselves” spectrum. When there is looting it’s typically directed at stores, not homes, and violence is mostly in the streets. Having supplies at home lets you stay out of the way.

One distinction it’s worth making is between short (hurricane, earthquake) and long (siege, economic collapse, famine) disasters. Having what you need at home is really helpful in both cases, but differently so.

In short disasters (1917 Halifax explosion, London Blitz, 1985 Mexico City earthquake, 2011 Japanese earthquake and tsunami) you typically see sharing and mutual aid. Stored supplies mean you’re not competing for scarce resources, have slack to help others, and make you more comfortable.

Stories of looting in situations like this are often exaggerated or cherry-picked. I had heard post-Katrina New Orleans had a lot of looting, but this was actually rumor. There’s a really good article, “Katrina Takes a Toll on Truth, News Accuracy” on how rumors got reported as fact, and how the truth was nowhere near this bad. But the rumors had real effect at the time, including contributing to  police and vigilante overreaction. Future disasters will also have rumors and reckless people with guns trying to be the ‘good guys’; more reason to stock what you need so you can stay home.

Long disasters are uglier. Here I think having supplies matters even more, but so does caution. The siege of Leningrad is a pretty extreme example, where survival mostly came down to things outside people’s control (ex: ration categories). When people did have stored food, however, it was very helpful as long as they were discreet. As people became increasingly desperate over the prolonged siege-induced starvation there are stories of people cooking at night or eating food raw to avoid alerting their neighbors (and, in the case of raw food, also because of lack of fuel).

Argentina and Venezuela are less extreme examples, but still informative. Because these were not nearly as severe as Leningrad there was much less societal breakdown. When there was violence and theft, it was concentrated around stores and transit; while there were home robberies this was uncommon. People who had more at home needed to shop less, which meant less exposure.

Continue reading here…

From Jeff Kaufman, here.