The Justinian ‘Peace Process’ – JUST Like Oslo!

Procopius of Caesarea, in his “Secret History”, relates how Barbarians raided the Byzantine empire. “Peace and love! All we want is peace!” What kind of monster could oppose peace?! So, Justinian I paid the plundering Hun honeys some monies “to secure friendship”.

Yay! Peace is established. He probably told any skeptics to “spin like propellers”…

Oops. The Huns made another casual incursion! “Must have been a lower-level decision. Let’s pretend it didn’t happen, but give them a little more this time, just in case…”

To get more sweet tokens of uncomfortable “friendship”, the Huns attacked again! (A later Hun “German-Polish Non-Aggression Pact” comes to mind).

Not wanting things to deteriorate just when they were looking up, Justinian paid again. He didn’t want to lose face after the honor of his masterful peace-making! It’s only logical. Besides, what won’t a person do to hold on to a “friend“?!

Inspired to tears at observing this unwholesome “friendship”, other tribes got the unoriginal idea to also “make friends” with the Byzantine empire, with such friendly gestures as a raid or two here and there. To their friendless hearts’ great joy, their “friendly” overtures were graciously accepted. Justinian the Great shockingly paid them off, too. He was a just really great guy, with loads of friends; that’s why they called him “The Great“!

Just like the Israeli Peace Process.