Do you speak fluent Farsi?
Experience in debt collection, hostage negotiation, or mental health hotlines?
Too persuasive for your own good?
Welcome to the Most Impactful Call Center in the World
At Mossad, we don’t just pick up phones — we change history, one polite, terrifyingly effective phone call at a time. Now recruiting for our Persian-language engagement unit.
[Inspired by this WashPo article…]
Actual quote: “We’re closer to you than your own neck vein. Put this in your head. May God protect you”
Your Mission:
- Deliver calm, persuasive messages to high-value contacts in the Islamic Republic.
- Tone: friendly, composed. Content: persuasive… sometimes life-altering.
- Think of it as guided self-deportation, with a friendly voice.
- Your friends think you work at a call center. They’re technically right!
Position Highlights:
- Native Farsi.
- Exceptional composure and emotional intelligence.
- Ability to be both friendly and unyielding.
- Part-Time – perfect for students, retirees, or people between revolutions.
- A front-row seat to messianic Jewish heroism (like all call centers, actually).
- Base Pay + enormous bonuses per successful “target” who complies, relocates, or simply reconsiders their life choices.
Some scripts we use:
- Would you like to relocate voluntarily, or… the other kind?
- I’ll admit: we don’t care about surveys, actually.
- You and the call may be monitored for quality purposes.
- Adoni! My manager will tell you the exact same thing!
- This is your life insurance agent speaking. Or travel agent.
- Would your family be okay if something happened to you? Protect what matters most…
- Don’t hang up. Your phone has a Dead-Man’s Switch!
- Sorry, but can you stop pacing? You’re jiggling your RFID tracker. Are you still at [address]?
- Is there someone in your life you trust right now? No names, but… that’s a mistake.
TESTIMONIAL:
“I used to sell socks online. Now I politely convince IRGC generals to pack their bags. My mom says I’ve really matured — and my therapist agrees.”
— Shiran S., Senior Persuasion Liaison
Your bank account needs you.
Am Yisrael needs you.
That sweating, confused Iranian colonel on the other end of the line definitely needs you.